18

So I'm going to be 18 in a couple hours. Yes, my birthday is on September 11th and it is such a tragic date. That's one of the reasons why I don't like celebrating... because so many people have lost their lives on their day and it always breaks my heart every year. I've also had a history of having bad birthdays so I'm praying tomorrow will be perfect or at least close to perfect. My parents have given me so much my past 18 years and I couldn't be any more thankful. I love my family so much and all my friends that have been there... whether it be the eighteen years, four years over high school, one summer or two weeks. Thank you. 

18 seems like a big number and a small one at the same time. But I guess it's a pretty big deal and that's what scares me the most. I'd remember I'd think I'd always be 5 years old, playing with the chitty chatty wind up teeth. Then I turned 6 and I thought I'd always be 6, writing letters to my mother in my Blue's Clues mailbox kit... and then I turned 7. When I was 7, I thought I'd be 7 forever, having my mother teach me how to bake with my little Easy Bake oven, then I turned 8. When I was 8, I was so sure I'd be a power puff girl one day... Buttercup. But that didn't happen because I turned 9, and I was determined to be an amazing 9 year old artist and become famous but you can't be a famous 9 year old artist when you turn 10. When I was 10, I remembered watching commercials about third world countries and how badly I wanted to help them. I went to the Philippines and experienced their distraught... so at 10, I was ready to turn 11, which meant another year closer to being able to help. When I was 11, all I wanted to do was sing. But that passion changed when I was 12, when all I really wanted to do was travel to France, which is still one of my passions. Then I turned 13, and I remembered being a moody brat about to start high school. All I wanted were books, and I was so sure when I turned 14, I would write a novel. I started with some pages and threw them away because I turned 15 and was so interested in film and becoming an actress. But I turned 16 and wanted to be a nurse. But I realized that plans made earlier would not always pull through and when I turned 17 I really wanted everything in the world to be right. Tonight, I turn 18. You know what's missing in these past 18 years? Appreciation. I look back at my 18 years and everything I just spoke about were things I wanted to do for me. I never got to appreciate all the love and support I got, I'd always see what was lacking. I'm going to be an adult, and I literally shed tears about it. I don't want to grow old, or see people around me grow old. I know that's a concept that's definitely inevitable but it's a concept that will always scare me regardless. 

I was always looking for more or something different, but I'm sad...because it took me this long to realize how much I have to appreciate. I have this huge urge to cry and I'm not sure why. Growing up may not be a big deal to certain people but it is my biggest fear and an even bigger fear to not live it to my greatest potential. To be as beautiful as possible as a person inside and out. To help others live a life of love, laughter, improvement, faith etc... Not sure where I'm going with this, like all my other previous posts, but yeah. My gratefulness for the people that have entered my life, left my life, stayed in my life especially, thank you. For putting up with me. I can be so ignorant and selfish and spoiled but I'm so glad you were parting of the teaching process. I'm very happy with what I have now and what I'm able to offer. I may have loved and lost love, I may have fallen and have quit, but I feel this is like a second chance at life, living it the right way. Most important, thank the Lord for including another year of life in my journey.

So today I had a pre-birthday spiritual cleanse because I usually get the blues right before my birthday because it is my deepest fear after all. It's basically doing all the things I love to cleanse the mind and prepare myself. So... Today I had one class that started at 12 and ended at 1, therefore, I had a bunch of time to kill. I had an iced coffee as a treat, and a nature walk for some meditation. I did the usual morning ritual, music and note taking by the window, probably my favourite spot at school for now. I finally found a class where I know people and it was a great interactive class. Then I met up with my friend and we caught up so much. We literally only got close because of frosh, but we went to high school together for 4 years and I never expected to be close with her. She surprised me and took me to this nice little cafe restaurant we have on campus and it was such a nice thing of her to do. We walked around and I found another amazing spot on campus that is not as busy as the study spot. We had so many little laughs here and there and I appreciated what she did for me today. We worked out together for the first time and it was so refreshing. I'm also getting a Macbook Pro on Friday from my student loan grants which is great! I got home and spent some time with my mom and here I am writing this up... what a beautiful day.

<3 Little Mer

PS I promise the frosh blog post will be coming up soon. Work has been piling up but by the weekend, I shall get my hands on putting it together!