Ten Years

Rainy days have always gotten me to think more throughout the day. I’m currently at school. I should be studying for my French test that’s in three hours but oh well. Haha. I was riding the bus this morning and I live in the farmland areas of Pickering. Well, near the farmlands. My neighbourhood is a small neighbourhood that bridges between vast forests and fields and the small city. I love it. Anyways, as I was reading one of Dostoyevsky’s classics, the forests caught my attention, as they always do. It’s amazing when driving by the treetops and you look down at the land. We’re a part of something so much more in this world and that forest may not even be a significant part of this “something much more”. It’s scary and exhilarating. Then I thought how easily somebody could just miss moments like these because we’re so caught up staring down at our devices… and then one day it’ll be gone, and you won’t exist. I thought about growing up. I thought about the fact I’m turning 19 this year. I thought about the huge age gap between my sisters and I and… it scares me. I’m a family-oriented kind of girl but my family, like many others, are extremely dysfunctional. I wondered if my parents would ever see me grow up… and if they did, would they be proud? Right now, it doesn’t seem like it. And sometimes, that makes me not proud of myself either. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist about it, but for once in my life I just want somebody to tell me that they are so happy for me and for the life I will lead. It seems like they are all so worried for me and I’m not sure why. Whatever I do, I should have done better, I should have done it this way; their way. It’s like they don’t give me room or time to learn, and it’s just expected. And I guess because of this huge age gap, there’s just so much pressure to get to where I should or want to be as fast as I can, just like my sisters. This is somethings my sisters have experienced, and maybe I never will because of biological predispositions. I don’t know. I was considered a “mistake”. But that has been made and has grown for 19 years and has caught feelings, has lost, has loved, has opinions and has passions. Now what?

Will my parents see me get married? Will my parents meet their grandchildren? Will my parents see me graduate or maybe even see me get a promotion in a great career? Will there be time for them to realize how the world looks in my eyes and the appreciation I possess? Oh how I wish, I wish, I wish. 

<3 Little Mer

Don't Be Worrisome, Darling

My mind's interior is crammed with brutal images of failure. I'm worrying about something new every minute and can barely focus on one thing for at least five minutes. These worries range from petty to existential, but regardless, I'm always entertaining them and I'm not sure how to stop. The blankness in my eyes and the way my eyebrows scrunch together in exhaustion reveal that I'm on the verge of giving up. I'm wasting more time worrying than trying to ease myself away from them. I envy those who can control their thoughts. I envy them so much.

Room Tour (finally)

I promised a room tour for so long... well. Here it is, it's quite a quick one because I'm a busy bee...

I always try to make my room very special and super personalized but also appealing at the same time, this is to remind me of my roots and who I really am. So enjoy! :)

Alright, so this is what it looks like in general. Yes, that is a mini Christmas tree. I believe that the spirit of Christmas should be incorporated everyday. My room is Paris themed, by the way... can you tell? Haha. It's also an orange/brown/beige theme because it reminds me of autumn and I feel those colours can be adapted throughout all the seasons of the year :) The book cubbies are from Ikea, and they were a hand me down from my sister. The black cardboard organizer boxers, knitted blanket on the right and the bed sheets are also from Ikea. The easel was from a garage sale... for a dollar! It was a gem. The Eiffel Tower candle holder and painting were from little home decor boutiques in downtown Toronto called Take Me Home, I think, not too sure about the name. Also... can you see that zebra print mirror? I know it doesn't really match the theme of my room but I had to keep it in there because it was a reminder of high school prom... and I won an aware. What award you may ask? The selfie award... how embarrassing. PS, can you spot Mike Wazowski? 

Top left: My favourite spot in my room. I lay down on the floor most of the time when I'm in my room. I like the feel of the carpet and the warmness of it when the sun is at its peak. Also, that's my Chummy on there as I Skype. 

Bottom left: My favourite time of the day. When the sun is at its peak and it casts shadows all over my room and it becomes so cozy and warm. 

Top right: Yes. That is a stop sign on my bed. It is in French. I got it from Montreal as a souvenir... and it's supposed to "prevent" people from trampling my bed. Hehehe. My bed is one of those pull out beds so it actually extends to twice its side when you pull out the bottom half of it like a drawer. There are two foam mattresses so you can occupy the actual area and it extends to my bookshelf. Huge beds make me happy. Also, I put up some of my best Instagram photos of my little adventures and memories with my family and friends. Looking at them make me smile. And of course 1/2 my Ed Sheeran posters. Isn't it such a lovely coincidence that this ginger babe matches the colour scheme of my room?

Bottom right: Oh. Well. This picture is just me being fancy. Hehehe. Oh, and the quotation on the wall says "For with God, all things are possible." 

Left: I made this dream catcher on my own with this material from the dollar store. I love arts and crafts and I love making things for my room as well so this worked well. And I actually had fewer horrible dreams after this. I just get weird ones lately but I sometimes get night terrors and wake up breathing heavily and crying and terrified and this was a great investment. Maybe it's the psychological idea that now I have a dream catcher, the dreams lessened. Either way, it worked! 

Top right: One of the many cubbies occupied by books. I read a bunch of books. I have some Shakespeare and classical literature, and I also have corny love stories by Nicholas Sparks and biographies and a lot of John Green (of course). I also have activity books like 642 things to write about and Wreck This Journal. I also have a handful of vintage gems, trilogies and series and Chicken Soup books. And you can also see my Lush catalogues are a must! Did I tell you I'm in the midst of writing my own novel? Well, I am! 

Bottom right: My pamper cubby. Filled with beautiful scents that so happen to be pink. I have the Sweet Pea lotion from Bath and Body Works, their Christmas scent called Twisted Peppermint, the Strawberry Shake body spray from Bench, Like a New Love by Essence, Bodycology lotions including Vanilla Cupcake and Fresh Cucumber Melon, and this perfume my sister brought me from Costa Rica called Incanto Shine :) 

Here is a just a little more detail to my room and more books! Hahaha. The candles are Hazelnut Coffee scents. I got them from Walmart, 8 for a dollar. And they make my room smell like a lovely coffee shop. These little boogers work huge wonders! 

Well, that's it folks. These are my flower arrangements that my aunt picked out for my room. I think they're quite adorable. And of course, I have a stash of *quality* snacks for my cravings. I recently picked up some new UK imports at Walmart and also spotted peanut butter flavoured Poptarts. If you don't already know... I'm obsessed with Poptarts and I have been a good girl and been avoiding their luscious packets of sugary goodness for quite a while so I decided to treat myself with them. I also have some Razzles, Oreos, and Hickory Farms' mini melt away mints laying around. 

<3 Little Mer! x

Philosophy

"To believe is to perceive in the miraculous. Believe in living. Life is a series of moments: happy, difficult, peaceful - cherish them all. Believe in joy. Hope is renewed in a shared laugh or a warm smile. Believe in love. It costs nothing to be kind, compassionate, forgiving and charitable with our words and actions. When you believe in miracles, you discover the miraculous is all around you."

Lent & Easter

So as a Roman Catholic, I celebrate Lent and Easter. I have recently lost my touch with my faith because of certain events and I gave up. For a little while. I just me back from watching the film "Son of God" which is the story of Jesus Christ. After watching the film, I asked myself as to why I lost touch and I thought about it on the ride home. I felt rejuvenated once I got home. I wanted to change my life. I did it once before, I can do it again. I've fallen before, I can get up again. I lost myself, now is the time to find myself, again. This time, I believe I have the mentality to keep it consistent. Here are some ideas that I hope to incorporate during this Easter season (and some of the things I am giving up for Lent).

1. One thing I am giving up for Lent is negativity. I created this negativity jar. Basically with every negative thought towards myself, I will write it down on a piece of paper and drop it in one jar along with a dollar. In the next jar, I'd put it some motivation that will help me relieve myself from that negative thought. It looks like this.

I've had some trouble staying positive lately because of so much that has been happening lately. After I collected the money from this, I will donate it to charity. Sadness can be an addiction and lately I have felt it, but I have the power to change this, so there's that idea. (Right now there's...7 dollars, yikes.) 

2. I am giving up my potty mouth. I have been attempting to do this so many times. That I have self control and that I can release my anger in better ways and I kept losing the purpose of that thought. So here I am trying to do it again, except turning it up a notch. I can't use "holy (curse word)" here, or swear at all or use God's name in vain. It's a bad habit, and it's unnecessary, so there's that idea.

3. NO MORE SHOPPING. I am living off of my darn school funds so the last thing I should be doing is shopping. Not even coffee, not even tea, or a donut or anything. And I'm always at the mall everyday since I have to walk through it to get to my bus stop. But I'll take an extra walk to the library instead and walk around the mall to my bus stop. Sounds good. Time to appreciate things I already have to my full extent. 

4. Try to read some Scriptures every night. I have my own Bible and I've never took any time to really focus on it. Starting tonight. That's what I'm going to do. I'll write notes of my thoughts, and interpretations and how I can relate it to my life. I'll flip open a random page and the rest is up to me. Sounds good. 

5. No binge-eating or binge-watching. Time to take care of myself even more, even on the weekends. I eat particularly fine but there are days where I don't eat at all and days where I eat everything in my pathway. Same goes for watching my television shows and movies. I'm only going to watch movies on day of the week, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. And only 1 show per day. But reading, reading is a must. Everyday, at least half an hour. So usually on my bus ride home. 

Okay? Okay... that is all. Enjoy this Easter Season everyone!

<3 Little Mer 

PS I painted this little thing this past week, just wanted to share with you all.