Catching Fire

Today, I was feeling a little bit bummy. Everything was a little off for me. I tried so hard to focus on things that I really needed to focus on (my health essay, in particular) but I was working extremely slowly and just got so frustrated. I ended up taking too many breaks and barely got anything done. I just told myself to absorb this bummy feeling for today and work on this tomorrow. I found moments where I just really wanted to cry and I wasn't sure why. I just felt very unimportant today. I usually keep things like this to myself but it's not like many people even read my blog anyway, they're probably people that don't even know who I am and some close friends. Maybe that's the point. So many people don't even know who I really am, but it's my choice to stay hidden, to be mysterious. Many people may claim to know me very well, but they know the things that I let them know. What happens when I'm suddenly gone? They will never know. But I'm also scared that if they see the deepest, darkest parts of my heart they'll be afraid, they'll either walk away, or shove it off. I'm not ready for that. I'd like to say I am, that I'm independent and that I don't need anybody who walks away in a flicker of light, but regardless, it hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. And I think that's what the main feeling today was... hurt, and I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I hold too many secrets, maybe it's because I felt I wasn't worth for someone to miss, and I try to hold in the tears but some days I feel like my bubble is bloated and sometimes I just need to let it leak a bit so I can hold it in much longer... if that makes sense. 

My sister took my mother and I out for my mom's anniversary... (my parents aren't in a very nice position in their relationship right now) and that made me dread today even more. How I wish they'd try... it takes two. But they always expect the other to change. Anyways, enough of that. I just wish... I just wish everyone under this roof was happy, even if that means my needs are sacrificed. (I feel like I'm being so ungrateful by venting all of this but I think this post was well needed). 

Where was I? Oh yes, we went out today. We watched a film, Catching Fire. I've read the books plenty of times and I'm not a very picky person when it comes to books and films and so I loved it, I thought it was perfect. I guess it's because sometimes I see things in the film that mean a lot more than they come off as, or I find some symbols or I listen and take in the comments of others in the theatres, especially my mother's and sister's since they haven't read the books and didn't know what was coming next. It was a very nice way to see things in a new light, their expectations and ideas made the movie a lot better. Not to mention their cute little snarky comments about costumes and how beautiful the actors looked (and boy, they were stunning). A little part of me inside was still numb though. But nonetheless, I had an enjoyable time. I really appreciated the film and the acting and the makeup and costumes... I loved Effie so much as well. I saw there was so much passion. And then it hit me... I haven't done much of what I'm passionate about lately... and I may have lost what I thought it was. So I'm on my way, on a journey, on a quest, to find out what that is. Maybe it was something I hated doing years ago... or maybe it's still the same thing. When I find out, I'll be sure to get back to you.

(Do you also ever feel that you'll constantly miss someone and realize they're never going to miss you the way that you do? It sucks)

To end it off... I'd like to say Rest In Peace Paul Walker... Regardless if I was a fan or not of his films, my heart aches at every death that comes to mind... it aches often. I'm never sure how to react or comfort those affected by these tragedies... I just feel very numb. It does not matter whether I was personally close to somebody or not, I cherish every precious life and it terrifies me so much. I'm going to end it here before I get too emotional and it gets too hard to breathe. My heart goes out to his family and friends and loved ones... 

<3 The Little Mer

Big Changes

As you can tell from the title, you will be reading about some big changes and some things that I have found important that has happened. Maybe you'll understand why I haven't written in a while 

1. I have been studying for my first ever university midterms. I didn't know what to really expect coming, a lot of things have been warned about them. I've come to a conclusion that I absolutely despise multiple choice questions. No matter how "easy" they may seem, it's just a hit or miss and some of them are so tricky that you consider every answer as a darn possibility. I've always despised this system... as Einstein said: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." We've got so many different talents and ideas we can offer the world... through this system it holds us back! Anyways, got caught off track... where was I? Oh, yes. Midterms. It's hard... I've been studying my butt off and somehow it barely gets me anywhere. Not sure how to fix this, but I'm just trying not so hard to believe I'm stupid after all these midterm results.
2. I'm growing into a vegetarian lifestyle. A lacto-ovovegetarian lifestyle, to be exact! I've always seriously considered it but I wasn't sure how my family would react. They obviously don't think about it as a serious issue, eating meat... neither did I, at least not a huge issue. So what changed my mind? I recently was assigned a psychology assignment about the question "Should Humans Eat Meat?" It wasn't supposed to be formal, I'm guessing, so it was just mainly opinion based answers and you didn't really have to choose a side. I did my research and went with "no, we shouldn't eat meat". Anyways, that's not the point, the point is that the next part of the assignment was to edit your peers' work. So I did. However most of them attached videos in their assignments and if you don't already know... I'm a visual learning. Ideas hit me hard when I SEE things. I saw so many horrifying things, more horrifying than the other videos I've ever watched before. I'm trying to keep it vague as possible... but yeah, you get the idea. I almost threw up at school and that was the end of meat-eating for me. My family doesn't take it seriously so I basically just have to try to adapt to their eating lifestyle which is difficult because majority of Filipino dishes have meat in it. But it's my choice and I just wish it would be respected.
3. I've recently moved into my new home! It was hell moving it, I'm telling you. We have four flights of stairs, with three floors, and that doesn't seem bad, right? But carrying furniture, being clumsy, and constantly forgetting things downstairs... it's a pain in the arse! Overall, I'm loving it. However, my mom's quite clingy to it and it's impossible to do certain things... sometimes like sitting on the couch (because it's a brand new couch). I understand but I just love laying on couches so I guess it'll take a while for her to settle down, as must I. My room is Paris themed and personalized with some Ed Sheeran posters. In the pictures below was before the personalized items, (however this is just a glimpse, I will soon make a room tour post wee!):            
4. So aside from moving in, I've also had a house warming... which was extremely stressful and I did not like it at all. I did not realize how difficult it was to entertain people especially when some of your friends don't even know each other. It was exhausting and it was an alright experience. Most of the day/night I really just wanted to be alone and sit by my Christmas tree (which I have already put up in the beginning of November) and do some reading or sketching. Things I find very interesting and entertaining is extremely BORING to everybody else. I struggled the entire night keeping everything in check and just didn't feel good enough or couldn't please anyone. I know... we're not here to please people but what a great feeling it is when you do... I got to see my friends, but I felt like part of me wasn't really present, but I'm glad I saw them. I got to doll up a bit too, which was lovely because I love dressing up for occasions (but don't get me wrong, I love being all slouchy and lazy too!) At the end of the night, it was a horrid cleaning experience. I absolutely love and hate hosting events... overall I was just a bummy girl yesterday, I apologize to anyone who was affected by it. My mom also snuck in that we were somehow celebrating my birthday as well...and people brought me presents. (Not to mention, my birthday was two months ago, haha, my mother is so silly!) I will review some of the new things that I have also been trying out in a new post! Anyways.... My look from yesterday is attached below!

(I will personally post the items in my room in my room tour post coming soon!)

Black lace dress (H&M), necklace (Le Chateau), lipstick (Revlon)

nails (Essie), glasses (Rayban), foam curlers used (Dollarama, yes... they're brilliant)

SO HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS NOW! (Sorry, it was playing and I could not just belt it out in this blog post!) 

<3 Little Mer

16 Small Steps to Happiness

"1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.”

via Tumblr