Decembre

There are quite a few things I'd like to speak about and mention in this month of December. It's been a chaotic month. Let us see what has happened...

I began working a seasonal position as a customer consultant at the Body Shop here in Pickering. My last day will be the 26th of December. It has been such a pleasure to learn amazing things about the store and all the products. It was an amazing experience to be able to help people who really need the help, whether it be finding the perfect product for a gift or helping people with their insecurities and true everyday struggles with their body. The staff was awesome. A lot of crazy experiences in the past two months. It was nice, nonetheless. I've began to use a lot of their products, especially the vanilla and honey lines. They are absolutely fantastic and relaxing and I just... feel very pampered. I was able to even tackle my own insecurities and help myself love myself a bit more. I found it to be difficult, at least I put in the effort. I also found that I get tongue tied easily, almost dyslexic, and this position had improved my communication skills, as I do stray away from small interactions with people. I do, at times, feel quite uncomfortable just because I thought I was doing everything wrong and everybody was a step ahead of me. A lot of customers I've met have been such darlings and have really comforted me and assured me of what I was capable. Like I said... it was nice.

One of my close friends had recommended a novel to me. It's called Gabriel's Inferno. It is an erotica, and I've never read one before. I wasn't sure what to expect. I am truly open to any type of novel and so I went for it. It is one of the most tasteful novels I have ever read. It was not filled with smut or descriptions of pornographic scenarios... it was sweet and sultry and simply gorgeously written. Respect to you, Sylvain Renard. I recommend you search up and read a couple of pages because it is probably one of my favourite books now. I am currently reading the second of the trilogy, and I'm probably going to finish it in a day or two. I am obsessed. It had so much culture and educated ideas that had influenced me. I am now currently refreshing my art history from roughly about four years ago and have earnestly gotten into classical music. It's all I've been listening to lately. I am listening to a performance of Amy Beach's Romance Op. 23.

I also have recently crawled into the art of mindfulness and meditation. I purchased a couple books on this concept and I didn't realize the way I thought was already a concept in itself... so I was relieved that it wasn't just an "only me" thinking like this. It relates to Buddhism. Although, I am considered to be a Roman Catholic, I personally do not think this is the right "faith" or "religion" for me. I don't believe in anything very specific. I believe in the good and I do believe that there could be a higher being. I'm not too sure about heaven and hell and the after life, I find myself leaning towards the scientific evaluations on those concepts, which is quite scary (as death is one of my deepest fears).  Science is not too comforting. I also did not just want to believe in certain ideas just to be comforted. I truly want to believe in something. I don't know what. So that's what that this is all about. Just trying to find comfort in your every day chaotic life without the pressures of having to look up to a higher being for answers.

Aside from that, I took this 16 personalities test. I got INFJ. Less than 1% of the world's population possess this personality... interesting huh? Check it out and search it up. It was scarily accurate.

I am celebrating Christmas tomorrow. My family celebrates it on the dot at midnight. We gather on Christmas eve and have a homemade dinner and we catch up and all. We have a theme every year. This year, we're all going to wear orange. There's honestly nothing I want more this year than to just be loved. I've been a vulnerable mess this year, caught between characterizations of virtue and vice. I've been lost and have felt like a mistake and all I want is warmth and comfort. I've been feeling quite distant from everything. I want understanding and communication and comprehension and out of the box conversations. I want to meet new people. Go out. Be adventurous. I don't want anything that can be bought in a store. Just free to think, to feel, to do... without being judge. But instead, someone to take time aside to truly read between my lines. I just want to be loved. To feel loved. I want to be able to love myself and not feel guilty about it...

Other than that, exams were not too shabby. I had a tough time squeezing in some study time in due to my accumulating work hours. Now that I have time, I have been pampering myself, reading new books, cleaning out my room, just letting my mind breathe. I am currently just anticipating marks, I'm sure I have passed all my courses, the problem is...doing well.

To be honest, all I have been thinking about lately is travelling, Gabriel's Inferno, being loved... being pampered... ah... just being without an end. Holidays tend to induce my existential crises and anxiety. Oh, the irony.

I guess that's all for now. If there's something I missed, I'll be sure to add. Have yourselves a wonderful holiday, whatever it is that you are celebrating this year.

Yours,
Mer. XO

Give You Me

And when you start to shake

I will say your name

I will cleanse your soul, empty your mind

Because your bones have become my frame

I care for you more than I care for me

And believe me, this is where I want to be

And when you can’t breathe

I will give you my life collection of heartbeats

I will give you back the sun, the sea, your smiles, the trees

Because you are an element of this earth, you are earth’s treat

You are the fire in my eyes, always and always

What a shame the world’s darkness is without your blaze

And when you start to cry

I will collect your tears and name this ocean after you

A place you can float upon your weight

Where your tragedies won’t drown you blue

But if you want, darling, I will be your anchor

And we can drown to the unknown, together

I promise, we will drown to the unknown together

- Mer 

(So I've recently got into the art of poetry. This is just me practicing and getting rid of the wave of rubbish poems that is basically just word vomit. I hope they do get better soon. Enjoy anyways. x)

Septembre, Octobre, Novembre

Now Playing: Amsterdam by Gregory Alan Isakov

Goodbye September, hello October. Goodbye October, hello November. Damn these 'ber months go by unfortunately fast; they are my absolute favourite. I did not realize how tardy I was with these blog posts. I've always been putting them off... it's been two months. I've been working on this huge mega post but was always feeling too restless to ever finish. I better finish this post today because it is the last day of October tomorrow. Halloween. I absolutely love Halloween, but this year I'll be dressing up as an Environmental Studies student writing an exam at 7pm. Joy. Brace yourselves for the chaos that is this post.

September.

The tide before the wave of my favourite months. Like I said in my earlier post, I was not too fond of my birthday. One, because ironically (and I feel guilty about it), it is the day that I feel the most lonesome. I swear on my heart that I'm so appreciative of all the goodness around me, it's just a personal thing, really. And two, because I feel once my birthday arrives, I think about life and death and all that, and how many people have passed on my birthday and it's just such a terrible idea. It is also around the time that summer ends and nobody really counts the days for summer to end so when my birthday comes right when it ends, it's such a surprise, everything is so abrupt and everything is happening so fast and I start to panic.

This year I actually anticipated to celebrate and to enjoy my day. Sadly, my birthday was on a day where I'd be at school from 9am to 8pm with a huge break in-between. I was so sad thinking I'd have to spend my birthday alone. That didn't seem too bad to me, as I do adore my alone time, but I did want to be around people for once. Luckily, throughout our conflicting schedules, my best two university mates (Mer-Ti-Ni y'all know who you are) came through. As I mentioned in my previous post, we went to Cafe Mirage and it was fantastic. It's a little bit on the pricey side but it's actually quite nice and clean. I had grilled salmon with chipotle sauce and goat cheese on a bed of baby spinach. It. Was. Amazing. We also had some coffee and cake for desert afterwards. It was scrumptious. With my family, I've always wanted to try some new things on my birthday, so we headed out for dinner at this authentic Mexican restaurant. (Not Taco Bell.) It was slow service, but I love slow service because it gives my family and I to actually communicate about things. My family is a very interesting story, so we hardly ever get together like this, so it was a quaint little fiesta we had going on. I started to get restless and so we all went home after dessert. I got some very thoughtful presents. I'm not very materialistic, so I LOVE homemade things. My sister made me this homemade book bag (that is so handy and does not hurt my shoulder at all!) She also made a homemade card with the kiddies that I truly love. My mom had already taken be shopping earlier for my birthday where I got to choose some autumn/winter wear I was in need of. My other sister had gotten me my first legal bottle of alcohol. Now, I've got a baby bottle of Grey Goose perched up on my book shelf just for kicks. I also received some cute little jewellery, makeup, and gift cards. It was a lovely birthday overall. I still look back and realize how great it was.

A week right after my birthday had to be one of the best days of my life. The Ed Sheeran concert. It was so much more than I expected. I was a little bit scared as to how I would have reacted because there are times where I resent being in large, loud crowds, and times where I feel okay with it. I wanted it to the latter. I was filled with anxiety because my friends and I had to leave school at 6pm, when it started at 730pm down town. I usually like to be on time, and I usually like to give EXTRA time for some complications. In fact, there were some complications. Our online tickets weren't accepted at the gate, therefore, we had to line up at the ticket booths, panicking for 10-15 minutes. The woman cleared it up for us. Thank. Goodness. I would have cried for days. We got in. It was overwhelming. I literally could not imagine a better adventure, and I'm so glad I got to spend it with a couple of my greatest friends. I can't fathom a way to describe the concert. I was in awe. I literally just imagined it was just Ed and I in the ACC. It was mental. It was better than I had ever imagined and my expectations were high. I appreciated it SO. DAMN. MUCH. I fall into phases of sadness here and there just thinking about that day. It's a good kind of sadness. The "sigh" and smirk kind of sadness. A beautiful kind. The work he put into it, just wow. I seriously need to stop rambling. I had the time of my life, that's that.

I always had the opportunity to catch The Maze Runner, which Dylan O Brien stars in. He did a great job. An amazing job. I was very pleased with it. The surprise ending through me off and the tears rolled in and it was... it was just a mess from there. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but it had a perfect mix of seriousness, comedy, tragedy, and emotion.

I also had the privilege to experience a terrible meet-up (date, if you must) with someone. I don't feel they are worthy to speak about. Maybe I'll speak about it in the future, but as of right now... nah. It was a terrible experience and I felt terrible about myself for days. From that, I can assume I deserve so much better.

Thanksgiving was great. This year, my family and I wanted to relax and not have a homemade meal. I thought it was still cute we were all sitting around eating some Chinese take-out and lounged around all comfy on the couch and such. It was just really nice. We had some homemade crepes though so it was awesome.

We celebrated my dad's birthday on the 23rd and for once we stayed in and stayed up pretty late. It was SO nice to have everyone in one room, laughing, and talking, and teasing each other. It's so rare for that to happen in my family so I'm glad I got to experience a bit of that. That was on the day that my classes end at 8, so I missed half of the get together, but coming home to it... (and also coming home to homemade cake made by my sister who doesn't bake, pie and cupcakes)... it was so great.

I'm also trying to write some songs and a novel at the moment. Midterms have been hectic. I apologize again for the two month tardiness. Halloween tomorrow though. Pictures for that will hopefully be up tomorrow. :)

Hope y'all had a lovely day x

<3 Little Mer

PS. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of information here because I'm currently rushing the post as I am in the midst of studying, but I really wanted to get this done. More posts coming, promise.

J'ai 19 Ans

Happy Thursday y'all. Haha, so today is my birthday and I just realized how much has changed. I usually get a lot of anxiety and guilt on this day; I can't really pinpoint every idea that really gets to me.. I just don't like the idea that thousands and thousands of people passed away on this day, not to mention, I get death anxiety aka Thanatophobia. This fear extremely heightens on my birthday, which is pretty self explanatory. But I don't just get death anxiety for myself, I get it for others as well. It's such a complicated fear. It's worse this year around because I'm not really doing much for my birthday. Today I'm at school from 9am (now, currently writing this in my school library) until 8. That's a honking 11 hours. Thursdays aren't my favourite, and I hate busing home from school because it's quite terrifying considering I was harassed last Thursday, too. To make it better though, two of my friends and I are going out for brunch/lunch, whatever you want to call it, to Cafe Mirage. It's a quaint little restaurant/cafe that serves a glorious amount of desserts and I mean... what's a birthday without some cake? Cake is great.

Speaking of which, my sister surprised me yesterday with a heart shaped Ed Sheeran green ice cream cake sponsored by Sick Kids, which felt great. It was a nice piece of utopia in the midst of the chaos I call home. We're not doing so well but I'd rather skip the details. This last year has been such a change. My hair is 28" shorter, I'm 10lbs lighter, my wardrobe has been saved, I've thought more profoundly than usual, etc. I feel that the more profound someone gets, the lonelier they are. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but I've recently spoken to one of my best friends and he also agreed that "You oddly feel the most alone on your birthday." I'm not too sure why. I know I woke up bawling, I read cards from my mom and sister and started crying into my pillow even harder. I'm not sure why type of crying it was, sad, happy, ...guilt? I don't know. But I definitely do feel guilt because I can't explain this feeling of emptiness, but I acknowledge and appreciate all the love around me, so why do I feel empty? I hope one day I do find out.

Ever since school started I've been missing my family. My family's basically shattered glass waiting to be swept away but we're too afraid to clean up the mess in fear of hurting ourselves in the long run. It's a whole other story that I'm going to skip, but oh do I miss the smiles on their faces. The only thing I ask for on this birthday or this week is just for them to be happy. It'll give me some peace of mind.

My friends have been great, they've been supportive, but like I've said, I've had this unexplainable emptiness and it just hurts all over. When I wake up, when I go to bed, I don't know how to fix this. I wish I was "normal" so I'd be able to have a consistent relationship with the people I love. 

Aside from that, I guess to celebrate myself I'm going to think of 19 big accomplishments/events/thoughts/whatever you may that I believe have shaped me this last year.

1. I chopped off 28" of hair and donated to the Angel Hair for Kids Foundation.
2. I worked 2 jobs, one of them which is horrible, therefore, has encouraged me to get into human rights and feminism. I've gained so much experience.
3. I decided what my majors/minors are for university and I'm content with what I've chosen. Of course, I wish I could do more because I'm more of an all around person but I'm content, I promise. 
4. I painted a piece of artwork that somebody near and dear to my heart enjoys 
5. I watched countless films, those of which have moved me in ways I would have never imagined. 
6. I've learned to budget money, which helped save my family a lot of money. 
7. I learned how to take days off, realize what is worth it and what is not... who is worth it and who is not.
8. I've started writing a private novel at the same time I've started to do some journalism
9. Less words = means more. 
10. My music taste is spectacular and has ever since shaped the way I relax. Not to mention, found relaxation techniques with aromatherapy and awesome lighting and staying warm.
11. I've met new people... and this time, actually kept in touch. 
12. Give give give give give give give. Don't take. You will feel good about yourself. 
13. It's okay to complain. It's okay to vent. I've learned to keep things to myself a lot more this year, especially during the summer. In the urge of wanting to complain... write a list of things you are thankful that day or life in general.
14. New found love of scrolling through autumn and winter blogs. Calms the mind.
15. 1001 ways to tranquility/wisdom/success
16. Family histories that have been dug up have really shaped the way I think about my future family.
17. My sister's engagement announcement has really carved up who I am and who I want to become. It was great motivation.
18. Bad things happen. Go with it. Good things happen. Go with it.
19. Valer la Pena. 

Happy birthday to me. You deserve to be happy today. If you believe that anybody in this world deserves to be happy, you sure as hell do too.

<3 Little Mer 

Indépendant

What does it mean to be independent? I know I've spoken tons about independence and all that crap but I feel like talking about it again because I feel it's an important topic. There are many young girls and women and men and everyone in-between who claim to be independent yet they don't understand that concept because some of their actions contradict their statements. Whoever's reading this, don't take anything in offence and you totally don't have to agree with me. These are just 5 ideas that I have witnessed that many independent people possess.

1. If you can fully do something on your own why hassle to make someone else do it for you? (Especially when you know you can do it right). If you end up asking someone to do you a favour that you were too lazy to do, don't be rude and complain about how they do it. You were the one that was too lazy to do it in the first place. Independent people shouldn't be lazy people, and I know we do get our lazy days, but by lazy I mean, you're always looking for ways to continue to be independent, don't shove your responsibilities in other people's lives.

2. People will doubt you, no doubt about that. But independent people won't do anything in revenge, or to prove to people that you are capable of things. If you are capable of what people are doubting you about, that's all you need to know... because point is: You. Are. Capable. Independent people will just do what they need to do regardless of what people say about it. It's not always the easiest thing to be put down like that but... we pull through.

3. When people are rude, independent people will respond in educated manners. They will prove their point, they won't go off and cuss nonsense because you and I both know that shit goes no where. Plus, nothing pisses people off more than responding to their foolish anger with respect and good points. You don't let anger destroy how good of a person you are. Use it as an opportunity to advance your maturity.

4. Ain't nothing about failure that will stop an independent person. Sure, it really does suck to feel like you've failed, you've disappointed someone or yourself, or that a challenge is too difficult. I know, I know the feeling, but don't we all? But that's the point. We all know the feeling and it happens to us all but it's how we deal with it that matters. Go ahead, sulk, but independent know when there's been enough sulking and use these failures as motivation. Don't be a robot. Feel the feelings you feel but use them to your advantage instead of using it as an excuse to try again. You got the these moments right now and once they pass, you'll never get them back again. Second after second, day after day, don't waste 'em. Stop saying "I can't". Ask questions... if you believe that you "can't" why can't you? Learn to do whatever it is you "can't" then.

5. Independent people invest time in themselves and I don't mean that in a conceited way. Praise yourself. Invest in yourself through being happy and that may mean you invest in other things in life like family, travelling, adventure, etc. Most of all, it is your life, do what you can with it. Don't sit around wishing, DO. Go do! Don't let other people get in the way of you being happy because those who really do matter in your life will help you achieve your happiness, am I right?

<3 Little Mer

Another Random A&Q Because I'm Lazy

I've been so pooped the past couple days, I've been meaning to write a blog post but today I am brainwashed and ready to knock out! I've been working almost everyday, and I went to the gym today and took the walk home instead of taking the bus... which took me an hour. So, like I sad, I am POOPED. However, I just finished eating dinner, so as I digest I shall answer some of these following questions.

1. What song do you listen to when you're feeling down? Hmm. It depends how down I am feeling. If I feel really down, I don't fight it and I just sulk in it because it's the best way to get those emotions out. So, I end up listening to my quiet playlist and I like listening to Dead in the Water by Ellie Goulding. If I feel that I can easily perk up from it then I'll listen to a calm but upbeat song like some James Vincent McMorrow or Ed Sheeran, of course.
2. Do you drink tea or coffee? I drink a lot of both actually. However, I've been doing well with drinking lots and lots of water so I haven't drank much coffee lately. I started on the tea again, and it kinda sucked that my sister scared me saying that tea is full of pesticides etc.... So, just in case, I've cut down my consumption (and I literally just bought a huge batch of amazingly flavoured tea, too. Sigh!)
3. How many languages can you speak? Well, I can speak English, Tagalog, Kapangpangan, and French. I used to know how to speak a little Spanish and Mandarin but I've forgotten like 99.9%.
4. Tell us three fears. Death. Mice. Not living a great life.
5. What was the last board game you played? Does Cards Against Humanity count?
6. What was the last book you read? Paper Towns by John Green... cry. 
7. Have you ever walked into a glass door? Ha, yes. Funny, you ask, though because just today as I got home from my hour walk I wanted to rest on the hammock out on our deck and so I slid the glass door open and was too tired to remember about the screen door and yeah... walked right into it. There's probably an indent of my body because this isn't the first time this has happened... 
8. Do you believe in marriage? Hell yeah I do 
9. Tell us three things your parents would disapprove of. Tattoos. Drugs. And any daredevil activities like sky diving or something. 
10. What is one thing you'd like to change/fix? Sometimes I wish people would see a lot more beauty in the things that surround them. I fall for people easily because I find them so amazing in the smallest ways possible, so small they probably don't even know about those things themselves. Sometimes I just wished people would look at me that way and maybe I'd get a chance once in a while. Haha, loser.
11. Name 3 Disney movies that you adore. Mulan, Tangled, Wall-E
12. What do you aspire to be? Genuinely happy and something good and creative and helpful ...in anything I end up doing.
13. Do you play/watch sports? Yes, I love sports! I watch what I play: volleyball, beach volleyball, basketball, soccer, swimming, track/cross country... a bunch! I wish I played lacrosse
14. What's your favourite colour? Chartreuse 
15. What is your favourite animal? Gah, just one!? I love turtles and polar bears and Golden Retrievers and penguins and dolphins and yeah a lot more but now I have to do chores before I shower and rest so I gotta end here because the list goes on.

<3 Little Mer

About A Boy

Now playing: Friends - Ed Sheeran (this song hits hard)

Friends just sleep in another bed
Friends don't treat me like you do
Well I know that there's a limit to everything
But my friends won't love me like you do...

....

But then again if we're not friends, someone else might love you too
But then again if we're not friends, there'll be nothing I could do

...

Oh. About a boy? About a boy I say? Yeah, pretty much. This is just a little vent session for me, how cliche. Maybe when the future me, or my future daughter or son will read this they may learn a thing or two. Maybe.

First off, I'd like to update ya. I finally got my hair cut after two years. I donated a honking 28" to Angel Hair for Kids Foundation, a cancer association. It felt so exhilarating and my head is FREE. Hahaha, I cut off all my *secrets* so to say. My hair was getting out of hand and I timed it very well when to get my hair cut. The weather here recently got extremely hot, humid, sticky and rainy. My hair plus that = disgusting. I hope whoever receives my hair benefits from it so much. (I'll post a picture at the end).

Anyways I'm pretty sure none of my friends actually read my blog posts regularly but I feel okay speaking about this situation. Basically it's the typical love triangle, two best friends fall one person... and that one person has no clue and it's not like we necessarily want to give the dude hints because we're scared as fuck. I'm not sure where I'm going with this so it's just going to be a lot of mumbo jumbo and rambling and literally you do not need to read this if you're not interested in feelings and emotions and shit.

Anyways, she's my best friend and she hasn't had feelings for someone in a long time. I've had my eye on him for a while and I had this long phase where I wasn't feeling anything and wasn't sure about him anymore. Idk. IDK. Then it came back. Then things happened and I started feeling feelings again for him. But I feel like I'm being so unfair to her. I totally wanna back off but he and I are also close and we talk daily... but he's super oblivious. And I mean we do speak regularly but now I feel guilty for doing so? I know I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from. I usually tell her all about this stuff and we swore we'd tell each other anything even regards to this situation but I just feel uncomfortable doing so. I feel like a terrible friend, you know? No matter how many times people will reassure that this is normal. I just feel it and I don't know how to stop the guilt. I don't know.

Even if I do tell him...I'm not even sure if he'll ever like me. I'm not sure what he likes when it comes to girls. It's not like I wanna settle down either, I just want to have a go to guy. Chill. Have fun. Do summer things you know? A simple mutual connection that makes both of you feel good. I guess we do have that now and maybe I'm selfish for saying this but I want more. I've avoided guys for quite a while now due to past experiences and I'm absolutely terrified of rejection, especially from him because he is a friend near and dear to my heart. He's helped me in ways he doesn't even know and maybe I'm over the board with that but ...I don't know. I don't know. Some days I feel regular things for him and then some days they're not intense then there are days where the feelings are heightened and uncontrollably hard to keep my cool. I just think we'd be good together in a way. But I hope if he ever finds out, I'm something he'd like to keep around. Maybe I'm good enough for once? I don't know. I'm scared to take a chance. Typical Mer. Well this was pointless but I feel I can breathe a little bit better now. Thanks for listening, whoever you are!

<3 Little Mer

The Spectacular Now

Now playing: Song for Zula by Phosphorescent

"Compared to other kids, I haven't had that many hardships... not really. Shit's... Stuff's happened, sure, but stuff always happens right? But the real challenge of my life, the real hardship is me. It's always been me." - Sutter

This is true. We are constantly limiting ourselves in obvious and subliminal ways. We always pretend that there are boundaries that keep us from acknowledging our true potential. We blame it on genes, our environment, our mistakes and our peers. Of course, they are influential to what a person's potential can be, no doubt... but ultimately it is ourselves that is physically preventing us from achieving our potentials.

"My mom/dad was an alcoholic so I'm doomed to be like that. My friends always pressure me to make impractical choices and I always end up following their advice. It's always them versus me, and I can't do anything about my fate." Wrong. You create your own fate. We're not doomed to be anything. It's always changing and that power to change is literally in us (how corny). God, promise me you won't let mistakes (even if they are consecutive) make you neglect the motivation to try again. And if you mess up again, keep fucking trying. Just because you do hold the power to change, it doesn't mean that you are to blame because you don't see the change right away. Do not get used to dissatisfaction at the same time do not get used to your triumphs. Identify problems, fix them, and celebrate successes.

Yes. Live in the spectacular now, for it is spectacular. But there's another "now" tomorrow, although it may not be guaranteed. That is why balance is so undoubtedly important. Live for today, for there may not be another tomorrow. However, plan for tomorrows so you can live a spectacular today. Don't be worrisome of the tomorrow that it takes away your today... and live a today that will help make a better tomorrow.

Fall irrevocably in and out of love. Be reckless. Accept your consequences. Learn. Who do you want to be? What do you want to be? What do you love? What did you love and what changed? What do others encourage you about? Got the answers? Good. Now answer this... what's stopping you?

There is always a way around something. If you haven't found the way, try harder and be okay with the result.

PS. And God, don't panic if you don't have all the answers, let alone just one. It's never too late to answer any of those questions. Patience.

<3 Little Mer

Sutter: Once you've actually talked to her, you see who she is.

Croyance

Play With Fire - Vance Joy

To whomever may be reading this (if any of you even do...), I will be speaking about a touchy topic. It may not seem like one to you, but it is an extreme one to me. I'm not here to start any controversies, just stating my *croyance* so I don't mean to offend you in any way with my words.

So. I recently finished rereading The Fault in Our Stars for the 43208539th time today. But literally... this is probably my 7th time reading it over again. I absolutely love this novel for so many reasons. One of the main reasons I do is that by the end of rereading it, I'm sure to have thought of a different concept every time and I learn something new about myself. This time the idea I gathered by the end was an idea that I've been struggling with for quite a while now: my beliefs. My "beliefs", whatever they are, have strengthened my perspectives in life, at the same time, have hindered them. Let me begin...

To be totally honest, I'm not sure what I believe in. I am a practicing Roman Catholic, but I'm not sure what that really means to me. I do wish to believe in something so dearly, however, I can't find it in myself to immerse my entire being into this belief. It's my curiosity. I'm a curious one. I have always been, and it has been a blessing and a curse. My entire family is not necessarily *super religious*, excluding my father. He is a super religious man. And I guess, like many curious individuals, I was pressured. The problem is that I have all these questions about what I'm supposed to believe in... but nobody is giving me any answers but that's *just the way it is* and you're just supposed to have faith in whatever it is you're supposed to have faith in. But I'm the kind of person that always NEEDS answers, or I live for an uncomfortable amount of time pondering about the ambiguity. It sucks, I know. I'm jealous of those who are so passionate about their religion and beliefs so easily. To add, I felt like it would have taken too much effort and energy to state my curiosity to them, especially if they'd be listening with only one ear... mainly listening with their mouths. They'd say "where did I go wrong in raising you?" "what kind of poison do you read/watch/listen to that strays you away from this religion?" "you just have to believe!" Ugh. I'm not exactly atheist. I mean... I believe in Something (yes, like Augustus Waters). I believe in something greater than this planet but I still don't know what. I guess I believed in the ideas of Roman Catholics because it was readily available for me. I feel that this religion is extremely strict and repetitive and I guess it is for their tradition, but I feel that hinders those who are truly passionate about it. I don't know, I'm just babbling. I pray, not for the sake of praying, but I pray to whoever may be listening. Not necessarily God, or whoever... but if anyone is there, just help me find my way into some sort of belief that can help me pull my shit together. I don't know. Do I really need a religion? I believe that religions were made to calm the thought of death to humans. I know for a fact that is the number one thing I'm most afraid of. I'm not sure I believe in the after life. I believe in the science part of death... but I know that the intangible piece of us is somewhere. Or do we just float away? I don't know. It's scary. My thoughts about this sorta stuff shifts every day. The thought of any death literally shatters me, I start to shake and I close my eyes and whisper to myself in my head to calm me down. Which is why I'm no good with comforting those who have lost someone, which then in turn, I run away... leaving me feeling twice as shit. Right now, it's already difficult for me writing this, I have to take breathers and close my eyes and relax. I just need to somehow get these thoughts out of my system. I don't know if we end up in a better place, or Heaven, or space, or limbo. I don't know. I just believe that we won't know.

I know what I DO believe in. I believe in the good. I just wish to believe where the good originated from, so I can thank that higher being. It literally is crazy how the earth became to be and that we're floating in limbo and we're literally dust specs and we don't know what's out there.... Fuck. It's literally mindblowingly terrifying. Anyways... back to the point. I don't necessarily believe in karma. I believe in fate, though. That things were supposed to turn out this way. But I believe that you can alter fate, but in the end it's still fate, because it happened the way it happened. I don't blame fate, it is what it is. Ugh, this is hard to explain. I believe we start off with a clean slate, and it is up to us to learn throughout our life how to keep a good fate. In the end, we cannot blame fate, we can blame ourselves (on things that we can change though, not the inevitable). Maybe it was fate that you were supposed to fail a certain math test, but it's up to you how you take that fate into your hands. Will you continue failing your math tests because you failed that one, or will you work harder? Whichever your choose will definitely change outcomes. Not the best example, but you know what I mean? So yeah, I believe in the good, I believe in hard work and love, I believe in nature, and I believe in looking past the bad, I believe that we don't have much time... I guess I'm cliche, but I'm not at the same time. I know that it takes a lot for me to believe that there is another life after this one, but I'm a *just in case* person. Just in case there isn't... live this one the best you can (haha, so damn cliche). Even if you don't remember this life after we pass... do everything you can, even with the little you have. Make the most of it. Cause damn what a gift this is... take every damn moment, it's yours for the taking. Be poetic. Be adventurous. Live an amazing life, I mean, if you want. Amazing doesn't have to be luxurious, keep in mind.

All lives are tough. I believe that doing good, doing extra good for others... what a virtue to live by. What's the point in making others' lives tougher than it should be. It's unfair, unjust. WHAT IS THE POINT? Seriously. If people got over certain things easier... damn. Just quit the complaining and dwelling over the smallest of negative things and fill yourself with culture. Be angry over real controversial problems, not because your husband or child or best friend forgot to call you. Be sad for others, even if you don't know them. Feel. Feel for the things worth feeling. Experience. Take risks. Love, EVERYTHING! Love hard. Very hard. Be patient. Stand out. Go do.

(Lol, what did I even end up talking about?)

Maybe it's just faith that I need to work on. But I'm not sure how. I wish I didn't have to feel so ambiguous about this for much longer. I just need answers. I need 'em.

I wish I could put into better words what I feel/think... I'm not too great with words. This was really rushed as well because I end up drowning in deep thought about this stuff and if I don't keep typing what I'm thinking then I end up shoving this blog post aside and it will never be finished.

<3 Little Mer x

PS. Ever since this spark about beliefs, I've been thinking a lot about my future family and my future kids whom I hope to have. I write little notes in my books for them and other little knick knacks I hope to pass on to them. I write down things about what I was doing certain moments in my life that maybe they will appreciate. Who knows. I'll let them decide, but at least my name will still be in their mouths. Maybe they will end up knowing me more than I will let them, but in this kind of way, I couldn't be more happier...

Just a Little Update

Currently listening to Favourite Song by Chance the Rapper

I literally have 13 minutes to write this post before I begin studying. I just wanted to catch you up on what's happening in my life. A lot has happened and I'm finding it a tad bit difficult to keep myself together because I've never been this busy in my entire life. I'm going to put this in point form...

• So I've gotten two jobs this year. One at the zoo and one at this little shoe store called Juju. The zoo is a summer job (unless I get recruited throughout the year) and Juju is for the entire year and maybe even longer. It's been hectic because I live quite far and my means of transportation is taking the bus. I live in a really suburban area in Ontario so the buses are so rare... plus I've just moved into a newly developed neighbourhood in the past year so getting from point A to point B can be really slow... which is very difficult on my part because public transportation can make me very anxious. 
• I've completed 5 exams out of 6 that I have to write. I will be starting to study for my last one in about 10 minutes, it's Management. I've bombed this semester. I was hoping for a 3.4 gpa but it looks like I'll be staying at 3.2... maybe even lower. This semester was MUCH more difficult and I already have strong opinions about the education system here so... I'm not even going to start. Anyways. I've written my French, Health, Psychology, Statistics and Religion exam. They were all brutal. 
• Speaking of which. I had my World Religions exam last night and it was pretty good. I think I did well, but let's not jinx that. However, one of my friends from the zoo texted me saying she got a call for one of her in-store orientations that night... while I was writing my exam. My phone was off, I have no caller id and during our previous orientation they told us not to call them back and that they will personally get a hold of us. That makes me really anxious. 
• Now. I have to choose what I want or what I'm planning to do for the rest of my life. I go to UTSC, and we have this thing called subject posts which is basically just a fancy way to say "declare your damn major, Merissa." I'm pretty sure I bombed the psychology exam which I really did study hard for. So if I don't get that... then I'll have to stick with psychology being my minor when I really wanted it to be my major. I'm spot on with French being one of my majors but now I'm torn in-between Environmental Science and English. I've been in ap English courses in the past etc... but it's different in university so I'm not sure. And I feel like this is a decision I have to be extremely sure about... no going back or it will cost me a lot of money. I'm not good with this university thing. 
• NBA PLAYOFFS. HOLY MOLY. I missed last night's game but it's 1-1 Raps vs Nets. I'm very proud of my boys, especially #10 *wink* Hehehe. 
• Crap. 3 more minutes. Alright. So. Yeah! 
• OMG. HOW COULD I FORGET? I'M GOING TO THE ED SHEERAN CONCERT FOR MY BIRTHDAY. I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS - MERTINI. Thank you loves. My dream is coming true. Like I said, 3rd time's the charm. I missed him two years in a row... now is the time.
• Oh and I'm a dead girl tomorrow. I'm getting a little bit of art done... but I won't expose this. That's all I will say. Life is exciting. 
• I just need to find some new ways to control all this adrenaline.

Alright, that's all the time I have now. It's time to study for my last exam. 

I'm Here Now

This is one of my favourite songs at the moment. It's called I'm Here Now by Motopony. The lyrics are so soothing, the voices and the instrumental are great and makes me feel so somber. Light a couple candles here and there, grab a book... you're good to go. Here are the lyrics. Check it out. :) 

I may not have the time to give you what you need. I may not live the life that you'd like me to lead. But there's something in your smile that makes me want to try. And it's warmer in the night with someone to lay by. I know this ain't the song that you been hoping for. This road is hard and wild but it brought me to your door. I've just one thing to promise if your heart allows. I've been a rambling shamble baby but I'm here now.

So take me into your bed, lay down your pretty head. Hate me after I am gone cause I won't be here for very long.

Now I've just one thing to offer you if your heart allows. Wanderer he must travel, baby, but I'm here now.

I may not know the words that you would like to hear. I may not believe the truth that you've been holding fear. But there's something on your table that I can call it home. You know I never have a dime to gamble or a cover of my own.

Mes Pensées Endommagés

So I've been wanting to practice my French since it's something I want to pursue in the future.... however, I haven't had much time throughout my day to regularly practice. Since I do blog a lot, I decided to start blogging almost always in French. My grammar may not be as great, but damn do I feel a bit more poetic. Hahaha. Here are the first posts of my series of French proses. They are called: Mes Pensées Endommagés (My Damaged Thoughts). 

Mes Pensées Endommagés (1)

Il y a des jours comme aujourd’hui quand j’ai… quand j’ai… je ne sais pas. Je me sens vide. Je dis toujours que je serai une meilleur personne demain, mais, quand demain vient, c’est la meme. N’ai-je pas la force de changer? Je me sens la chair de poule sur tout mon corps. Mes mains ont toujours froid. C’est la negativite que mon corps absorbes. Le froid se déplace le long de ma épine et personne ne peut me rassurer.

Je suis tres ambitieuse mais avec tous ce que je fais, je commence avec rien quand… quand tout le monde est déjà en avance. Pour mettre en mots simples … J’existe, ne vivant pas. Quand quelqu’un me remarque, je leur repousse leurs gestures. C’est rare pour moi. J’ai peur. Je ne sais pas qu’est-ce que je ferai. Ce que j’ai fait hier est une déception. Mais aujourd’hui? Mais demain? Mais plus temps dans la futur? Qui vais-je être? Que vais-je devenir? Je ne veux pas savoir.

(Maintenant, j’écrirai en français. C’est une bonne pratique puisque je veux poursuivre dans cette langue. Aussi, il m’aide à exprimer mes idées de différentes façons. Et… Je voudrais aussi essayer d’écrire de la prose en français. C’est intéressant.)

Mort de rire.

- Mer  

Mes Pensées Endommagés (2)

La météo est parfait ce matin. C’est la transition de l’hiver à les printemps. Le ciel est gris, le vent est douce, et souvent, il pleut. C’est parfait, non? Oui. Je me sens confortable et douillet. Maintenant, je suis devant une grande fenetre dans la bibliotheque de mon école. Je regarde les arbres. J’ai vraiment regarde… et remarque tous les détails. C’est moi. C’est apaisante. C’est… réconfortant. Particulierement, j’aime les trajets en autobus. Vous regardez les voitures qui roulent par les routes mouillées. Et les intstrumentals de votre musique progressent. De subtile … à électrisante. Vous vous sentez l’énergie dans vos os … et vous êtes prêt pour le jour de commencer. Il peut être melancolique … mais c’est un bon type, vous savez? 

- Mer

Mes Pensées Endommagés (3)

La mer. C’est moi. Mon nom signifie la princesse de la mer. J’aime cette idee. J’aime l’idee de la mer. La mer peut vous soulever, mais peut aussi vous tirer vers le bas. Il ne termine pas… comme mes pensées. Est-elle un trou noir? Conduit-elle à un autre monde? Nous ne saurions jamais car c’est un mystere. J’aime penser que je suis un mystere comme la mer. Je ne crois pas qu’il y a une personne qui… qui peut voir ou comprendre le monde à travers mes yeux.

Comme l’eau, vous ne pouvez pas me tenir dans les paumes de vos mains. Je peux… Je peux facilement glisser. Loin. Dans le même temps, “je peux vous tenir comme un navire.” Dans de mauvaises situations, comme l’eau, je m’y adapte. Parfois, pas bien, je peux déborder … mais j’adapte du mieux que je peux. Beaucoup de personnes m’ecoutent pour leur apaiser.

Je suis un pont entre deux continents. Je crois que cette idee est une bonne idee. Il s’appelle “transatlanticism”. Une personne d’un continent veux voir une autre personne d’un autre continent… on dois aller à travers (trans) la mer (ici, Atlantic). Il exprime effort. Je crois que je suis comme ca. Il faut beaucoup d’efforts pour me connaître. Si vous obtenez du point A au point B de mon esprit… Je vous félicite.

(Il y a beaucoup de choses que je veux ecrire, mais, de pratiquer une autre langue est fatigant. Je vous envoie mes bien amicales pensées.)

Cordialement, 

(La) Mer