Croyance

Play With Fire - Vance Joy

To whomever may be reading this (if any of you even do...), I will be speaking about a touchy topic. It may not seem like one to you, but it is an extreme one to me. I'm not here to start any controversies, just stating my *croyance* so I don't mean to offend you in any way with my words.

So. I recently finished rereading The Fault in Our Stars for the 43208539th time today. But literally... this is probably my 7th time reading it over again. I absolutely love this novel for so many reasons. One of the main reasons I do is that by the end of rereading it, I'm sure to have thought of a different concept every time and I learn something new about myself. This time the idea I gathered by the end was an idea that I've been struggling with for quite a while now: my beliefs. My "beliefs", whatever they are, have strengthened my perspectives in life, at the same time, have hindered them. Let me begin...

To be totally honest, I'm not sure what I believe in. I am a practicing Roman Catholic, but I'm not sure what that really means to me. I do wish to believe in something so dearly, however, I can't find it in myself to immerse my entire being into this belief. It's my curiosity. I'm a curious one. I have always been, and it has been a blessing and a curse. My entire family is not necessarily *super religious*, excluding my father. He is a super religious man. And I guess, like many curious individuals, I was pressured. The problem is that I have all these questions about what I'm supposed to believe in... but nobody is giving me any answers but that's *just the way it is* and you're just supposed to have faith in whatever it is you're supposed to have faith in. But I'm the kind of person that always NEEDS answers, or I live for an uncomfortable amount of time pondering about the ambiguity. It sucks, I know. I'm jealous of those who are so passionate about their religion and beliefs so easily. To add, I felt like it would have taken too much effort and energy to state my curiosity to them, especially if they'd be listening with only one ear... mainly listening with their mouths. They'd say "where did I go wrong in raising you?" "what kind of poison do you read/watch/listen to that strays you away from this religion?" "you just have to believe!" Ugh. I'm not exactly atheist. I mean... I believe in Something (yes, like Augustus Waters). I believe in something greater than this planet but I still don't know what. I guess I believed in the ideas of Roman Catholics because it was readily available for me. I feel that this religion is extremely strict and repetitive and I guess it is for their tradition, but I feel that hinders those who are truly passionate about it. I don't know, I'm just babbling. I pray, not for the sake of praying, but I pray to whoever may be listening. Not necessarily God, or whoever... but if anyone is there, just help me find my way into some sort of belief that can help me pull my shit together. I don't know. Do I really need a religion? I believe that religions were made to calm the thought of death to humans. I know for a fact that is the number one thing I'm most afraid of. I'm not sure I believe in the after life. I believe in the science part of death... but I know that the intangible piece of us is somewhere. Or do we just float away? I don't know. It's scary. My thoughts about this sorta stuff shifts every day. The thought of any death literally shatters me, I start to shake and I close my eyes and whisper to myself in my head to calm me down. Which is why I'm no good with comforting those who have lost someone, which then in turn, I run away... leaving me feeling twice as shit. Right now, it's already difficult for me writing this, I have to take breathers and close my eyes and relax. I just need to somehow get these thoughts out of my system. I don't know if we end up in a better place, or Heaven, or space, or limbo. I don't know. I just believe that we won't know.

I know what I DO believe in. I believe in the good. I just wish to believe where the good originated from, so I can thank that higher being. It literally is crazy how the earth became to be and that we're floating in limbo and we're literally dust specs and we don't know what's out there.... Fuck. It's literally mindblowingly terrifying. Anyways... back to the point. I don't necessarily believe in karma. I believe in fate, though. That things were supposed to turn out this way. But I believe that you can alter fate, but in the end it's still fate, because it happened the way it happened. I don't blame fate, it is what it is. Ugh, this is hard to explain. I believe we start off with a clean slate, and it is up to us to learn throughout our life how to keep a good fate. In the end, we cannot blame fate, we can blame ourselves (on things that we can change though, not the inevitable). Maybe it was fate that you were supposed to fail a certain math test, but it's up to you how you take that fate into your hands. Will you continue failing your math tests because you failed that one, or will you work harder? Whichever your choose will definitely change outcomes. Not the best example, but you know what I mean? So yeah, I believe in the good, I believe in hard work and love, I believe in nature, and I believe in looking past the bad, I believe that we don't have much time... I guess I'm cliche, but I'm not at the same time. I know that it takes a lot for me to believe that there is another life after this one, but I'm a *just in case* person. Just in case there isn't... live this one the best you can (haha, so damn cliche). Even if you don't remember this life after we pass... do everything you can, even with the little you have. Make the most of it. Cause damn what a gift this is... take every damn moment, it's yours for the taking. Be poetic. Be adventurous. Live an amazing life, I mean, if you want. Amazing doesn't have to be luxurious, keep in mind.

All lives are tough. I believe that doing good, doing extra good for others... what a virtue to live by. What's the point in making others' lives tougher than it should be. It's unfair, unjust. WHAT IS THE POINT? Seriously. If people got over certain things easier... damn. Just quit the complaining and dwelling over the smallest of negative things and fill yourself with culture. Be angry over real controversial problems, not because your husband or child or best friend forgot to call you. Be sad for others, even if you don't know them. Feel. Feel for the things worth feeling. Experience. Take risks. Love, EVERYTHING! Love hard. Very hard. Be patient. Stand out. Go do.

(Lol, what did I even end up talking about?)

Maybe it's just faith that I need to work on. But I'm not sure how. I wish I didn't have to feel so ambiguous about this for much longer. I just need answers. I need 'em.

I wish I could put into better words what I feel/think... I'm not too great with words. This was really rushed as well because I end up drowning in deep thought about this stuff and if I don't keep typing what I'm thinking then I end up shoving this blog post aside and it will never be finished.

<3 Little Mer x

PS. Ever since this spark about beliefs, I've been thinking a lot about my future family and my future kids whom I hope to have. I write little notes in my books for them and other little knick knacks I hope to pass on to them. I write down things about what I was doing certain moments in my life that maybe they will appreciate. Who knows. I'll let them decide, but at least my name will still be in their mouths. Maybe they will end up knowing me more than I will let them, but in this kind of way, I couldn't be more happier...