There are quite a few things I'd like to speak about and mention in this month of December. It's been a chaotic month. Let us see what has happened...
I began working a seasonal position as a customer consultant at the Body Shop here in Pickering. My last day will be the 26th of December. It has been such a pleasure to learn amazing things about the store and all the products. It was an amazing experience to be able to help people who really need the help, whether it be finding the perfect product for a gift or helping people with their insecurities and true everyday struggles with their body. The staff was awesome. A lot of crazy experiences in the past two months. It was nice, nonetheless. I've began to use a lot of their products, especially the vanilla and honey lines. They are absolutely fantastic and relaxing and I just... feel very pampered. I was able to even tackle my own insecurities and help myself love myself a bit more. I found it to be difficult, at least I put in the effort. I also found that I get tongue tied easily, almost dyslexic, and this position had improved my communication skills, as I do stray away from small interactions with people. I do, at times, feel quite uncomfortable just because I thought I was doing everything wrong and everybody was a step ahead of me. A lot of customers I've met have been such darlings and have really comforted me and assured me of what I was capable. Like I said... it was nice.
One of my close friends had recommended a novel to me. It's called Gabriel's Inferno. It is an erotica, and I've never read one before. I wasn't sure what to expect. I am truly open to any type of novel and so I went for it. It is one of the most tasteful novels I have ever read. It was not filled with smut or descriptions of pornographic scenarios... it was sweet and sultry and simply gorgeously written. Respect to you, Sylvain Renard. I recommend you search up and read a couple of pages because it is probably one of my favourite books now. I am currently reading the second of the trilogy, and I'm probably going to finish it in a day or two. I am obsessed. It had so much culture and educated ideas that had influenced me. I am now currently refreshing my art history from roughly about four years ago and have earnestly gotten into classical music. It's all I've been listening to lately. I am listening to a performance of Amy Beach's Romance Op. 23.
I also have recently crawled into the art of mindfulness and meditation. I purchased a couple books on this concept and I didn't realize the way I thought was already a concept in itself... so I was relieved that it wasn't just an "only me" thinking like this. It relates to Buddhism. Although, I am considered to be a Roman Catholic, I personally do not think this is the right "faith" or "religion" for me. I don't believe in anything very specific. I believe in the good and I do believe that there could be a higher being. I'm not too sure about heaven and hell and the after life, I find myself leaning towards the scientific evaluations on those concepts, which is quite scary (as death is one of my deepest fears). Science is not too comforting. I also did not just want to believe in certain ideas just to be comforted. I truly want to believe in something. I don't know what. So that's what that this is all about. Just trying to find comfort in your every day chaotic life without the pressures of having to look up to a higher being for answers.
Aside from that, I took this 16 personalities test. I got INFJ. Less than 1% of the world's population possess this personality... interesting huh? Check it out and search it up. It was scarily accurate.
I am celebrating Christmas tomorrow. My family celebrates it on the dot at midnight. We gather on Christmas eve and have a homemade dinner and we catch up and all. We have a theme every year. This year, we're all going to wear orange. There's honestly nothing I want more this year than to just be loved. I've been a vulnerable mess this year, caught between characterizations of virtue and vice. I've been lost and have felt like a mistake and all I want is warmth and comfort. I've been feeling quite distant from everything. I want understanding and communication and comprehension and out of the box conversations. I want to meet new people. Go out. Be adventurous. I don't want anything that can be bought in a store. Just free to think, to feel, to do... without being judge. But instead, someone to take time aside to truly read between my lines. I just want to be loved. To feel loved. I want to be able to love myself and not feel guilty about it...
Other than that, exams were not too shabby. I had a tough time squeezing in some study time in due to my accumulating work hours. Now that I have time, I have been pampering myself, reading new books, cleaning out my room, just letting my mind breathe. I am currently just anticipating marks, I'm sure I have passed all my courses, the problem is...doing well.
To be honest, all I have been thinking about lately is travelling, Gabriel's Inferno, being loved... being pampered... ah... just being without an end. Holidays tend to induce my existential crises and anxiety. Oh, the irony.
I guess that's all for now. If there's something I missed, I'll be sure to add. Have yourselves a wonderful holiday, whatever it is that you are celebrating this year.
Yours,
Mer. XO
