Speaking of which, my sister surprised me yesterday with a heart shaped Ed Sheeran green ice cream cake sponsored by Sick Kids, which felt great. It was a nice piece of utopia in the midst of the chaos I call home. We're not doing so well but I'd rather skip the details. This last year has been such a change. My hair is 28" shorter, I'm 10lbs lighter, my wardrobe has been saved, I've thought more profoundly than usual, etc. I feel that the more profound someone gets, the lonelier they are. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but I've recently spoken to one of my best friends and he also agreed that "You oddly feel the most alone on your birthday." I'm not too sure why. I know I woke up bawling, I read cards from my mom and sister and started crying into my pillow even harder. I'm not sure why type of crying it was, sad, happy, ...guilt? I don't know. But I definitely do feel guilt because I can't explain this feeling of emptiness, but I acknowledge and appreciate all the love around me, so why do I feel empty? I hope one day I do find out.
Ever since school started I've been missing my family. My family's basically shattered glass waiting to be swept away but we're too afraid to clean up the mess in fear of hurting ourselves in the long run. It's a whole other story that I'm going to skip, but oh do I miss the smiles on their faces. The only thing I ask for on this birthday or this week is just for them to be happy. It'll give me some peace of mind.
My friends have been great, they've been supportive, but like I've said, I've had this unexplainable emptiness and it just hurts all over. When I wake up, when I go to bed, I don't know how to fix this. I wish I was "normal" so I'd be able to have a consistent relationship with the people I love.
Aside from that, I guess to celebrate myself I'm going to think of 19 big accomplishments/events/thoughts/whatever you may that I believe have shaped me this last year.
- I chopped off 28" of hair and donated to the Angel Hair for Kids Foundation.
- I worked 2 jobs, one of them which is horrible, therefore, has encouraged me to get into human rights and feminism. I've gained so much experience.
- I decided what my majors/minors are for university and I'm content with what I've chosen. Of course, I wish I could do more because I'm more of an all around person but I'm content, I promise.
- I painted a piece of artwork that somebody near and dear to my heart enjoys
- I watched countless films, those of which have moved me in ways I would have never imagined.
- I've learned to budget money, which helped save my family a lot of money.
- I learned how to take days off, realize what is worth it and what is not... who is worth it and who is not.
- I've started writing a private novel at the same time I've started to do some journalism
- Less words = means more.
- My music taste is spectacular and has ever since shaped the way I relax. Not to mention, found relaxation techniques with aromatherapy and awesome lighting and staying warm.
- I've met new people... and this time, actually kept in touch.
- Give give give give give give give. Don't take. You will feel good about yourself.
- It's okay to complain. It's okay to vent. I've learned to keep things to myself a lot more this year, especially during the summer. In the urge of wanting to complain... write a list of things you are thankful that day or life in general.
- New found love of scrolling through autumn and winter blogs. Calms the mind.
- 1001 ways to tranquility/wisdom/success
- Family histories that have been dug up have really shaped the way I think about my future family.
- My sister's engagement announcement has really carved up who I am and who I want to become. It was great motivation.
- Bad things happen. Go with it. Good things happen. Go with it.
- Valer la Pena.
<3 Little Mer
