Monday, March 30th, 2015.

Now Playing: Bones - Ben Howard

Bonjour. C'est lundi. March is shedding its skin for the arrival of rainy April days. Yes. I'm surprisingly having a fantabulous Monday. I took a 2 day vacation this weekend. I usually continue doing my school work on the weekend but this week I nestled on my velvety couch for the whole two days resting my body. There were some incidents during the week that tore me to shreds and soaked up all the little energy I had left. I may be a day or two behind schedule but I'm frankly okay with it. I needed it. I wasn't looking forward to today, but now that today has come.... it's fantabulous. I woke up at 7 06AM. I fell asleep on the couch. I've been less anxious sleeping on the couch compared to my room because my mom's also there and it's very helpful to have another breathing soul resting by your side. I definitely could hear my mom trying to wake me up while preparing breakfast but of course I was a lazy cat and didn't pay attention. She decided some new methods in waking me up. She usually calls my phone because my ringtone is pretty loud: Diana Ross, I'm Coming Out. She decided to use the blender today and that did the trick. My clever mother, everyone! I had a full hour to calmly get ready. Last night, I was too bummy and thought I should just go to school in what I slept in, which is always a good idea. But I checked the weather before I went upstairs and it's a bit rainy, 4 degrees Celsius, and overcast skies. Perfect. My favourite kind of day. I still kept the slouchy look and wore my favourite orange hat with my outfit which consists of jeans and a t shirt and a cardigan and an olive green jacket. I decided to wear my nude flats today just for a change. I wore light makeup today, and light pink eyeshadow, something I've never tried. I even had time to curl my hair. I come downstairs to homemade breakfast, but today was different. Usually my mom likes to stuff me with Filipino breakfasts but she's getting the hang of my healthier breakfasts that I've introduced to her. I usually make the meals on the weekend and my meals do regulate her blood sugar levels. She said she didn't know how to make the breakfasts I make her, which usually consists of avocados, eggs, multigrain toast, pieces of fruit and a smoothie. But that stuff is much easier than the foods she makes which I found pretty funny. She did a damn well job today. I got to take my time having my delicious breakfast while playing with my niece, Maia. I took a break my hip hop music, I missed my acoustic/indie music oh so much. I changed up my phone music to Ed Sheeran, Passenger, Matt Corby, Hozier, Vance Joy, and Matthew Barber. The first song that played once I left the house was Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran. Of course. Perfect right? I felt the cool breeze... a feeling I've missed the past two days. It feels like autumn today and it makes me happy. Bus rides are also my favourite. I love to look out the windows, especially because I live around a variety of areas. There are farms, cemeteries, forests and little neighbourhoods. On the bus I can't stop tapping my foot, my fingers, or bobbing my head. It's an irreplaceable rhythm especially when you're on the bus... everything feels so still. On the next bus I got on, I stared out the window above my head that showed the sky and it was simply cool to see a new perspective of the world and new angles of the everyday things we see. The street wires, the lampposts, birds, traffic lights. I just thought it was damn cool. I was happy because I'm beginning to find everything beautiful once again without forcing it upon myself. I've been too exhausted to see things, and I mean really see things. To have this be the first thing that happens in my day was overwhelming. I started thinking about beauty. I asked... why must there be an image to beauty? In everything, what constitutes beauty? Nothing constitutes it because beauty is in the core of everything. I thought about it some more, and that became philosophical bus ride number 1. I think I may have a series of these philosophical moments.... I should jot them down in my quotation book. Then, I got to school, I'm having a honey lemon cough drop, I'm sitting in my favourite place in the library overlooking a pine tree which is currently dancing with the wind. The light is bouncing all over the place, and I've finally got a French class to attend this morning. All is well right now and it hasn't been like this in a long while, as it seems. This is a big deal. Hope you are all having a beautiful morning as I am.

Love, Mer.

Untitled

I’m currently writing on the bus, just got off from school. I sat my ass down the entire day writing a 10 page French essay in the library. I decided to release some of the stress through here. I haven’t had an update post in a while, but this is a good sign because I’ve been taking care of myself. I usually write when I need to… which means I usually write when I need to talk to someone but don’t want to physically talk to someone. I’ve been finishing a bunch of assignments and trying to do as best I can in school right now since some of our TAs are on strike. So far only one of my classes are cancelled… but it’s my best class and getting a credit for this course is crucial for the next two years of my school year. I’m so focused. I’m so determined. But this makes me so anxious. Anyways, I’ll mention several events that haven happened thus far (probably not in chronological order)

·     My sister and her fiancé celebrated their engagement and held a bridal shower at the Distillery District, which is a quaint little artsy strip. It was held at the gallery and it was spectacular. The night before, the bridesmaids spent time together to create the sweet table. My other sister, who’s a chef, catered the event and it was spectacular. It was cozy and it was so nice to see everyone play a part rather than have an event planner plan everything. It meant more; it was more. It was perfect. Even the music was DJ’d by my sister’s best friends and it was on point. I’m back in the 90s with my music. (I also created a playlist; I’ll leave a link below). All my childhood memories flooded back as I caught up with my sister’s fiancé’s family, and her best friend’s families. They were all telling me stories of when I was younger and it was a rush. It was a beautiful experience.

·      I attended CounterMOSAIC. This was an event held at my school that my good friend asked me to go to. It was empowering. It was somewhat of a poetry slam event about resistance, power, feminism, and equity. Everybody was so down to earth, and inspiring. Rupi Kaur and Cherrell Brown were performers as well. I had the chance to meet a new friend as well, Jessica. It is simply a satisfying feeling to be around people who love the same things as you.  I was literally touched by everyone’s passion that I was inspired to write once again (hence, my previous post). It was an honour to experience and breathe the same air as all these empowering people.

·      I had my very own late night study session at school. I’ve been meaning to have one of those because they seem like an accomplishment. I think it’s one of the MUST experiences of a university student. So I wrote my 10 page French paper that day on a Saturday night until 11pm. It was exhilarating. Shout out to all who were there that night …and every Saturday/Sunday night. 

·      I feel like I’ve been balancing well with school and friends and family and myself. I make sure I have minimal things to do on the weekend so I can still spend time with my mom and dad. Discipline at its finest so I’m going to pat myself on the back for that. It does take a lot of sacrifice to not give in to hanging out with friends during my breaks at school. Lately, I’ve just been trying to read ahead of my courses and all that and I feel much better that way. Although, this balance has given me more time to think. My anxiety has heightened. Especially at night. It’s devastating and exhausting. But I try to push myself the more next day and experience more… so in a way I’m thankful for that anxiety… but most of the time, I resent it. Hopefully on April 13^th, I’ll have found some remedies or some help.

·      

Either tomorrow (if I get the opportunity) or Wednesday… I’ll be taking part in a special random act of kindness. But that’s a secret I’m not ready to share.

http://8tracks.com/merissagladys/10-veuve Here is the playlist. 

x Mer

My Insecurities are Weight

Never have I ever put together most of my insecurities in a written format. This is just a little skeleton of words I hope to continue writing and adding to in the future. 

I'm sure there isn't one soul in this world that doesn't possess any insecurities. We're all insecure about one thing at least. Me? I'm insecure about everything and anything. So let's just put it out there, yeah? I mean, I have a distinct nose, my teeth are crooked, I'm pretty much half blind and to be honest, one of my eyes... it's lazy sometimes. My skin isn't perfect, I've got scars and scratches and dark patches. I've got short eyelashes that refuse to flutter every time a man walks by. Cause these scars are stars that are constellations that are black holes that suck in information. These scars are stories and histories and childhood memories. My skin is a carcass that protects the divine within. And my eyes? My eyes are fucking boss. I only need one to see the world and I can see beyond what people see. I can see goodness. I can see depth. I can drown you with these eyes, but I can also let you float. Eyes that let you flow, eyes that let you grow, eyes that let you know... that I love you. Sure one of them is lazy sometimes, but I sure as hell am not. My teeth, my crooked teeth are the consequences of a small mouth but that doesn't prevent me from speaking huge words, big words, meaningful fucking words from my pure big ass heart. This heart that can break so easily only because I can love so well. This nose, this damn distinct nose. I can smell the sweetness of grace from miles away. I can smell danger before it happens and potentially save a life. My eyebrows are uneven too but fuck that, at least they're clean alright? And people say we grow hair where it's not supposed to be? Do you think I can control that shit? If it's not supposed to grow there, why is it growing there then? Are you serious right now? If my leg hair grows, it has nothing to do with you. That shit keeps me warm anyways so don't you dare comment on what makes me comfortable. Ha. See that's the beauty. So you know what? I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry that this is what I have to show to the world. I'm sorry that... that's all you see. I may not be the prettiest girl around but damn am I fucking beautiful. But if pretty is all what y'all pay attention to... I don't wanna be. So yes, yes, insecurities... they are weight. They are weight that makes you stronger. They are deadlifts, they are squats, it is poetry, it is music, it is art, it are... whatever the fuck you do that makes you strong. It is resistance. These are my mother's features, my father's features, my grandma's, my grandpa's, my ancestors beyond. So don't you dare pick on mine. Be respectful. You are the perfect temple for a unique love. You. Are. A. Legend.