Friends just sleep in another bed
Friends don't treat me like you do
Well I know that there's a limit to everything
But my friends won't love me like you do...
....
But then again if we're not friends, someone else might love you too
But then again if we're not friends, there'll be nothing I could do
...
Oh. About a boy? About a boy I say? Yeah, pretty much. This is just a little vent session for me, how cliche. Maybe when the future me, or my future daughter or son will read this they may learn a thing or two. Maybe.
First off, I'd like to update ya. I finally got my hair cut after two years. I donated a honking 28" to Angel Hair for Kids Foundation, a cancer association. It felt so exhilarating and my head is FREE. Hahaha, I cut off all my *secrets* so to say. My hair was getting out of hand and I timed it very well when to get my hair cut. The weather here recently got extremely hot, humid, sticky and rainy. My hair plus that = disgusting. I hope whoever receives my hair benefits from it so much. (I'll post a picture at the end).
Anyways I'm pretty sure none of my friends actually read my blog posts regularly but I feel okay speaking about this situation. Basically it's the typical love triangle, two best friends fall one person... and that one person has no clue and it's not like we necessarily want to give the dude hints because we're scared as fuck. I'm not sure where I'm going with this so it's just going to be a lot of mumbo jumbo and rambling and literally you do not need to read this if you're not interested in feelings and emotions and shit.
Anyways, she's my best friend and she hasn't had feelings for someone in a long time. I've had my eye on him for a while and I had this long phase where I wasn't feeling anything and wasn't sure about him anymore. Idk. IDK. Then it came back. Then things happened and I started feeling feelings again for him. But I feel like I'm being so unfair to her. I totally wanna back off but he and I are also close and we talk daily... but he's super oblivious. And I mean we do speak regularly but now I feel guilty for doing so? I know I'm not doing anything wrong and I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from. I usually tell her all about this stuff and we swore we'd tell each other anything even regards to this situation but I just feel uncomfortable doing so. I feel like a terrible friend, you know? No matter how many times people will reassure that this is normal. I just feel it and I don't know how to stop the guilt. I don't know.
Even if I do tell him...I'm not even sure if he'll ever like me. I'm not sure what he likes when it comes to girls. It's not like I wanna settle down either, I just want to have a go to guy. Chill. Have fun. Do summer things you know? A simple mutual connection that makes both of you feel good. I guess we do have that now and maybe I'm selfish for saying this but I want more. I've avoided guys for quite a while now due to past experiences and I'm absolutely terrified of rejection, especially from him because he is a friend near and dear to my heart. He's helped me in ways he doesn't even know and maybe I'm over the board with that but ...I don't know. I don't know. Some days I feel regular things for him and then some days they're not intense then there are days where the feelings are heightened and uncontrollably hard to keep my cool. I just think we'd be good together in a way. But I hope if he ever finds out, I'm something he'd like to keep around. Maybe I'm good enough for once? I don't know. I'm scared to take a chance. Typical Mer. Well this was pointless but I feel I can breathe a little bit better now. Thanks for listening, whoever you are!
<3 Little Mer
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