Ten Years

Rainy days have always gotten me to think more throughout the day. I’m currently at school. I should be studying for my French test that’s in three hours but oh well. Haha. I was riding the bus this morning and I live in the farmland areas of Pickering. Well, near the farmlands. My neighbourhood is a small neighbourhood that bridges between vast forests and fields and the small city. I love it. Anyways, as I was reading one of Dostoyevsky’s classics, the forests caught my attention, as they always do. It’s amazing when driving by the treetops and you look down at the land. We’re a part of something so much more in this world and that forest may not even be a significant part of this “something much more”. It’s scary and exhilarating. Then I thought how easily somebody could just miss moments like these because we’re so caught up staring down at our devices… and then one day it’ll be gone, and you won’t exist. I thought about growing up. I thought about the fact I’m turning 19 this year. I thought about the huge age gap between my sisters and I and… it scares me. I’m a family-oriented kind of girl but my family, like many others, are extremely dysfunctional. I wondered if my parents would ever see me grow up… and if they did, would they be proud? Right now, it doesn’t seem like it. And sometimes, that makes me not proud of myself either. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist about it, but for once in my life I just want somebody to tell me that they are so happy for me and for the life I will lead. It seems like they are all so worried for me and I’m not sure why. Whatever I do, I should have done better, I should have done it this way; their way. It’s like they don’t give me room or time to learn, and it’s just expected. And I guess because of this huge age gap, there’s just so much pressure to get to where I should or want to be as fast as I can, just like my sisters. This is somethings my sisters have experienced, and maybe I never will because of biological predispositions. I don’t know. I was considered a “mistake”. But that has been made and has grown for 19 years and has caught feelings, has lost, has loved, has opinions and has passions. Now what?

Will my parents see me get married? Will my parents meet their grandchildren? Will my parents see me graduate or maybe even see me get a promotion in a great career? Will there be time for them to realize how the world looks in my eyes and the appreciation I possess? Oh how I wish, I wish, I wish. 

<3 Little Mer