Feelings Before 22

My birthday's in less than two hours. And like every year, I get overwhelmed and I always feel that I'm internally about to explode. If I did explode emotionally, I thought it'd be better to have it as my last emotional break down as a 21 year old than my first as a 22 year old.

It's been a long while since I've shared any stories on this old thing anymore. I think that's the beauty of it. I can read back and see the types of places and states I've been throughout my life and see how I've overcome it. I write when I'm sad, so you can definitely tell the splurges of constant posts through my difficult times. So, seeing that there are many sprouts of posts over time... yes, I (like many others) had gone through such challenging moments of life. But after each hiatus, I (like many fortunate others) had overcome these said challenging moments.

Right now, I'm in a program that forces me to move provinces. Which means, I'm forced to have long distant relationships... with everything. And as for someone who constantly craves meaningful experiences, conversations, and just witnessing the little things... you can guess it's not going so well for me. Some days I feel I can conquer this situation and other nights I'm crying and don't know why. And it's just so frustrating. Not knowing why exactly... guessing what you're feeling... not being sure of anything anymore...

I've had to give up all my meaningful interactions with people to be here. Being here is good for me. I'm able to grow. But some days I feel so stagnant and useless. I feel that I'm now a chore in the lives of people I love back home. I feel like I can be a forced phone call. And that I have all the time in the world for them but now I feel that they have to shove some sort of time. And even then, I give them all the attention I have, and I feel that doesn't reciprocate. So I decided I'm not a fan of long distance relationships. I feel so alone some times. I feel that people are too busy for me. Everything is back home. Me not being there doesn't make much of a distance, I feel. Now that I'm here, I feel that I'm an extra phone call somebody has to make.

In reality, I know I'm being way too hard on myself. But that's just what I feel. And I just don't fucking know why that feeling won't go away. I tried to give myself what I needed today. I tried to take care of myself today but despite it all I just felt so uneasy because I wasn't home.

Frankly, the reassurance that I'll "get used to this" doesn't help the fact that I'm feeling the shitty feeling I feel now. And after all this, I just feel like a terrible person at the end of the day.

Here's to hoping that feelings after 22 are a bit different than this.